Only the Sith deal in absolutes. And apparently, Republicans. That’s what it has basically come down to. No tax raises, even if they’re only applied on dollar 1,000,001 and above. No closing tax loopholes, even on corporations whose profits number in billions. No cuts in subsidies for oil companies, corporate jet owners, or industries that have moved their jobs to China. No raise in the estate tax, even on the estates of billionaires. No shared sacrifice. No revenue. No God.
In other words, when it comes to the deficit, which is just of the UTMOST FUCKING IMPORTANCE now that there’s a Democrat in the oval office, they are unwilling to do anything to help fill the coffers of the U.S. treasury, which they purposefully bankrupted during the Bush administration. In fact, on top of being willing to do absolutely nothing in the arena of raising revenue, they are also loath to cede any cuts in the military—by far the largest portion of government spending. Rationality equivalent: a serial rapist in a communal sorority shower.
It’s day two here in Mac, and I’ve seen some things. A shirtless fat man in jean shorts arguing with an obese woman wearing a sweatshirt. They were both smoking, and though I don’t read lips, their English looked underdeveloped. Also smoking was a woman riding a bicycle, dressed as if she was really out for a good ride…except that she was smoking. Of course, then she got pulled over by the local police. I don’t know why this matters, but there are a lot of very fat people out there, and that scares me. Mind you, I’m a tad overweight myself.
Seriously though, if we default on our debt, things are going to get real bad, real fast—you’d think the corporate masters would call in the Republicans and tell them to make a fucking deal, but it’s possible they’re so blind to the consequences they just don’t care.
But that leads me to my next realization: it doesn’t seem that our leaders, in general, are very smart or good. I talk to friends, co-workers, family, and it seems that everyone is living a real life version of “Horrible Bosses.” We don’t have an Albus Dumbledore, or a Good King Richard to come save the day. No FDR or Abe Lincoln. Instead it seems we’ve got a bunch of very effective people who are either evil (assuming they’re smart enough to know what they’re doing) or as stupid as their faces would lead you to believe. Have you seen Mitch McConnell? John Boehner? I hate their stupid fucking faces. And on the other side of the aisle, we’ve got a bunch of very ineffective people who generally want to do good, but are unable to do so, because as Norman Goldman says, “they don’t have the spine to tell their brain or their heart what to do.”
We’re stuck with a party who has two bad ideas—tax cuts and NO—and a party with all kinds of good ideas, but appears to the public as a pimply faced geek whose voice cracks every time he gets nervous. On top of that, we’ve got judges, leaders, CEOs, principals, mayors, and governors, that are basically idiots who’ve somehow managed to know someone rich in their life and got lucky enough to glad hand their way to power. We live in a society today that tells us it is more important to be loyal to your fuck-up brother than to choose the right human for the job.
OK, admittedly that was pretty random. Here are some other random thoughts and then I’ll be done:
1. Why do really fat people always smoke too? And then I wonder, do they also have small bowl shaped aquariums by their couches with frogs in them for snacks like Jabba the Hut? Or just hot wings and blue cheese? Tommy want wingy!
2. Why hasn’t someone killed Rush Limbaugh by now? God, this is one of the greatest mysteries of life: I get why bad things happen to good people (variety is the spice of life, after all), but why don’t bad things happen to bad people too? Why does it seem that every time I meet someone and the “Evil” meter goes off, they’re incredibly rich, having sex with someone pretty, and know a doctor who will prescribe them pain meds without question?
3. Who goes to those Kevin James movies, like “Mall Cop” and “Zookeeper?” And who goes to see the Chihuahua movies with talking dogs? And “Yogi Bear?” Can’t we use that as a litmus test to prevent those people from breeding anymore? I propose that every time a truly bad movie premiers, we get every vasectomy surgeon and OB Gyn doc in the country to round up their scissors and IUD’s, go to the nearest theatre, gas it, and then operate on every human over 12. We’ll call it, Unplanned Parenthood—since you’re still a child, you don’t get to have them.
4. I think we should call Katy Perry what she really is—she isn’t a singer—she’s a teacher. Her courses: How to be a Huge Slut 101, Sluttery 410, How to be Pretty and a Whore GR602, and Using Your Vagina to Get Ahead DR703. She’s now officially taking applications from your daughter between the ages of 8 and 18.
5. After this, am I going to be considered a bad enough person to be immune from bad things happening to me?
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