I just don’t know where the Republican hate train is going to stop next, but if you’re a fucking nut, apparently it’s “ALL ABOARD!” All aboard for hating women, hating teachers, and hating the poor. And the conductors? Not elected officials of course—that would be much too democratic, even in a system that’s rife with lobbying money and general malfeasance. No, it’s the Koch brothers, a couple of ultra conservative fucktards whose mission it is to turn back the clock to the late 19th century: a quaint time when workers were oppressed, oligarchs ran the government, and you could slap a bitch down if she spoke up without worrying about domestic violence charges.
That’s right, these guys dream big—they hate half of everyone right off the bat. After all, who needs women? Haven’t they basically ruined everything? I mean, at the very beginning, that sassy bitch Eve just had to eat that apple—isn’t that like a woman to want what she can’t have—what a slut.
Let’s face it, women are just no good at doing anything (men would be much better at having children if we had the organs—and we wouldn’t complain so much about it either), and they cause a lot of fucking problems. History is full of examples: Helen of Troy was a war starting whore, Cleopatra basically caused the downfall of Rome, and then in the middle ages they had this whole witch problem—and were there ever any male witches? No, of course not: we don’t need a stick between our legs to feel special.
And then, in 1920, those stupid fucking liberals had to pass that goddamn amendment giving those breast bearing humanoids the right to vote. What the hell are they doing voting? What the hell are they doing wearing shoes for that matter? Shouldn’t they be at home washing dishes, taking care of children, and cooking while pregnant?
Well, the Koch brothers and their Republican cronies are delivering a clear message: satisfy me sexually and make me a pie bitch! All across the U.S., state Republicans are passing bills to limit access to reproductive health for women. And in the House of Representatives, they’ve gone ahead and slashed funding for planned parenthood—never mind that only 3 percent of their activities involve abortion procedures, or the fact that they don’t use federal money for abortions. Look, if a few women have to die because they won’t be able to be screened for cancer at Planned Parenthood, or receive treatment or care for STD’s, that is just fine with Republicans. And access to contraception? Screw that—if one of Eve’s daughters wants to get busy she can take the fucking consequences. Kinda hard to be an uppity, Sex in the City watching, politically active woman when your pregnant, isn’t it?
Of course, when the baby does come, Republicans don’t want to give him a free ride either. Nope, sorry junior, you’ve gotta pull yourself up by your little fucking bootstraps if you want to get anywhere, and you might as well learn early, because if the Koch brothers get their way, you’re going to have to learn on your own—like God intended.
After all, if there is anything worse than a woman, it’s a fucking no good, waste of space, caring, bleeding heart teacher. What a bunch of assholes! The only things a teacher is good for are holding union meetings and stealing money from taxpayers—that’s money that could be well spent on tax breaks for corporations and rich people! They’re the only ones that create jobs. What has a teacher ever done? Teach a kid to read…big fucking deal. If that kid were a real American, he’d have learned how to read by pulling The Fountainhead off of his parents bookcase at age 4—doesn’t need a whiny teacher to tell him to do that.
Hey, we all know that teachers make way too much money, and their benefits are too good as well. Did you know that most teachers make well over $80,000 a year, and they actually get paid money when they take a sick day to go to the doctor? And when they retire, they make even more. Those greedy bastards are just sucking our states dry of money, and for what: so those glorified fucking baby sitters can parade around with their masters degrees and spread their communist views—or worse, teach critical thinking, evolution, or math? Look, did they need teachers in the middle ages, or in the industrial age—fuck no! When you were seven, you picked up a shovel, you went into a mine, and you were happy with your company scrip.
Rest assured, the Republicans, thank God, are going to put a stop to those dumb teachers trying to teach. First, they’re going to get rid of their right to collectively bargain, which Republican governors are doing across the country. That’ll prevent strikes and other kinds of commi bullshit from happening during elections, like voting. Then, we can cut their pay and benefits so that no one in their right mind will ever want to teach, especially since it requires an advanced degree. Then the whole system will fail, and we can really swell the ranks of unskilled workers and get people to do the fuck what we tell them. Work motherfuckers! Work with your back and your legs, and don’t let that stupid thing between your ears get in the way!
I’m telling you, this is the Republican dream. A world where teachers are laughed at, or killed, as tea partiers and an Iowa attorney general have suggested. A world where women that make their own decisions are punished horribly, and sometimes, just for being a woman. That’ll teach them to be born without a penis. HATE!!!!
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