The Liberal Response

Hey all, I know its been awhile since I've written to you...I don't honestly have a good excuse, so I won't give you a bad one. Recently a liberal friend sent me an email she received from a good ol' boy. Please read:

American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists,
Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this
latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I
know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future
generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree
on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile
and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way..

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each
taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure
our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it
should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can
effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct
and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are
welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns
and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are,
however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to
move all three of them).


We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical
companies,Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved
homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot
Alaskan hockey moms, you can have the greedy CEO's and
We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the
right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.. You can have
the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life
are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam,
Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the
U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You
can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.
We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.
We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem.
I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the
World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up
poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our
history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like
minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree,
just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll let you answer
which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen,
Barbra Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.
P. S. S. And we won't have to press 1 for English.

The liberal response: OK DEAL! Jesus Christ (We'll go ahead and take slang, swear words, and using the lords name in vain, if you don't care) we thought you crazy bastards would never agree. A few thoughts on your proposal however...
First of all, since Bush and McCain best represent modern Republican values, I think that every state that voted for Obama in the last election should be in our nation. That means where you get Texas, we get California and New York. We also get Virginia and North Carolina--you can keep all the rest of the deep south, oh, except we also get Florida, which should be just fine with you, since there are an awful lot of Jews, African Americans, and Latinos there anyway. We will take the bulk of the more productive, populated, seaboard states, and you can have the landlocked, backward, rural states. You'll have fantastic universities like Rice, Ole Miss, and Southern Baptist...we'll merely have Stanford, the UC system, and the Ivy league, not to mention Northwestern, University of Michigan, Duke, oh, well, I could go on I guess, but I don't want to rub it in...
As for the rest, yes, we will keep redistributive taxes, because we want to allow the American dream to flourish rather than ensuring the rich get richer and the poor stay poor. We also prefer to have a robust middle class, and a country where citizens are independent and free, so we will be offering universal health care, in addition to providing plenty of funding to support education, so that our teachers are properly valued and our students enter the working world with a wealth of knowledge and experience, rather than a ball and chain of debt from which they will never be free of.
You are right: we do hate guns and war, so we will train all of our citizens in subversive guerilla tactics, and maintain a small but spartan military force that is trained in repelling outsiders and defense, rather than imperialist conquests and worldly adventures. I believe, however, that we will be keeping the police and fire services--this will give you ample opportunity to privatize yours.
Along that line, yes, go ahead and keep the pharmaceutical companies, the greedy corporations, WalMart, and Wall Street. We'll keep the family farms, artisan bakeries, gourmet restaurants, coffee shops, Hollywood, and silicon valley. Keep the gas guzzlers too--and have fun competing for oil with China.
Good luck with trickle down economics...if you even understand what a dumb idea that is--we'll rely on building demand with strong minimum wage laws, innovation, and a fundamental belief in quality over quantity. Plus, since we'll be providing health care at a fraction of the cost, our companies will be able to thrive rather than being burdened with ever increasing insurance premiums.
And yes, please keep the bible and Judeo-Christian ethics, which you have turned into tools of hate and intolerance, rather than love and good will toward humanity.
But you won't keep our history, which you pervert, our flag, which you desecrate, or our name, which you don't deserve in the despotic, fascist country you'd like to spawn. We will keep the bill of rights and the constitution, since you could care less about them, the idea of privacy (Amendments 3 and 4), free speech (Amendment 1), and provisions of justice (Amendments 5--10) being as they are, an anathema to your true beliefs.
Finally, we will keep science, logic, reason, the right to dissent, and the belief that every American deserves life, liberty, and justice under the rule of law.
Here is what we are willing to cede: bass fishing, pork rinds, nascar, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, and every other conservative idiot out there, racism, torture, government surveillance, gun racks, lying, backroom deals, sleeping with young boys, and leeching off of human misery and sickness. In return, we'll take all of the gays and minorities, which you stains upon your white pride, and we see as human beings.
And I promise you, we will never need your help, assclown.
Deal?

Jeffrey Scott Allen,
Teacher and American

PS--kiss my balls, deuschbag.