1) Twilight and Paperback Novels: Sure, I've never actually read Twilight, but I just know that its dogshit right off the bat. 1st clue: teenage girls like it. Teenage girls are dumb. And just to make sure, I looked it up in Websters and it said, "dumb--(adj.) stupid, unintelligent, the opposite of smart. Ex: teenage girls are dumb because they like that new book about a daywalking vampire, and everyone knows that's horseshit." Then they had a picture of a dumb looking teenage girl wearing a Twilight shirt. Case-mothafuckin-closed, gangstas.
Seriously though, reading moronic books like Twilight and paperback novels is bad in a more insidious way--they actually achieve the opposite of promoting critical thought, reason, or a rational understanding of the human condition; things that every writer should have as part of their mission. These books are simply written to make money. There's nothing wrong with making money, but just because you're successful doesn't mean you are doing a good thing. Rush Limbaugh is a very fat and rich man. What he does makes him a lot of money. He also has possibly the most filthy, stinking, satanic soul that the world has known this side of Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. He promotes hate, misunderstanding, ignorance, and bigotry, and swims in a philosophical cest pool of drug addict feces. Twilight readers: this means he is a bad person.
Paper back novels are no better than watching soap operas--they rely on cheap thrills, shock value, and making shit up as they go--not unlike "Lost." Therefore, they have no real bearing on reality and no real social or intellectual worth. And why not read something good? I've got plenty of suggestions...be a person.
(Eleven great books: 1) Catcher in the Rye, 2) Adventures of Huck Finn, 3) On the Road, 4) The brief wondrous life of Oscar Wao, 5) Lord of the Rings, 6) the Alchemist, 7) The Road--very dark for those shy of horrification, 8) Gravity's Rainbow, 9) 3 Cups of Tea--non fiction, 10) The Slaughter House Five, and 11) The Good Earth--I realize that I have a male centric list here, so ladies, feel free to make some suggestions and I'll list those in the next edition)
2) Sleeping More Than Necessary: Think about it: sleeping, aside from dreams, is like being dead. Time is passing and you have no awareness of the physical world. Or, if there is an afterlife, and its good, then sleeping is worse than being dead (if its bad, then you certainly aren't helping your case by sleeping, are you, ya lazy bastard).
Look, go ahead and sleep for 6, 7, 8, even 9 hours, but its time to get up after that and start BEING a human BEING. I mean, if you sleep more than that, your life must suck, and I can goddamn guarantee the solution to life not sucking isn't sleeping for 11 or 12 hours a day.
Oh, and another thing, sleep isn't a tax or a fee, or a bill--it doesn't build up over time and you don't need to "catch up." It's not as if for every hour you get less than 8 hours parks itself in your personal sleep bank as debt. You need enough to function and feel good--that's it.
The last thing I'll say is that if you're sleeping because you're bored, find something to do that is enjoyable or useful. Sleeping too much has been linked with depression, and it can actually make you more tired. If you sleep too much, you're basically like a lazy ninny, so either get out of bed, or start putting on your wolf sweater and give up on yourself.
3) People That Complain About Food They Get at Restaurants: First off, let me qualify that I'm not talking about if there's a toe in your soup, or some actual flaw in the food. I'm talking about a dish that is cooked fine, but for some reason or another doesn't jive with the diner's picadillos. Look, it is partially your responsibility, when you go to a restaurant, to order something you'll like. Yes, ideally every dish a restaurant serves is good, but unless they tricked you, or the menu is written in Urdu, you should be able to have a pretty damn good idea of what the hell you were getting yourself into.
In other words, take some responsibility. If you don't like crab, don't order it, or if you do then don't blame the fucking restaurant because you're a fucking idiot. And if you think there should be more clams in the chowder, just keep in mind that the dish is called "clam chowder," not "clams."
I guess my point is that if you're really picky, maybe you should learn to cook instead of going out to eat all the time. Don't blame the restaurant because you got what you ordered and didn't like it. Get better at ordering--here's a hint: ask the waiter--when I waited tables I wouldn't let my guests order something gross unless they really, really wanted to. And if its not a good restaurant...don't go.
No comments:
Post a Comment